Hey guys I just wanted to make a really quick post because I
just had to leave my gym because I had a really bad…I don’t know I just felt
really insecure. I’ve been going there forever and I’ve always felt okay there
because I always thought that if people are going to go to the gym and judge
you, that’s pretty ridiculous, because everyone is there to make themselves
healthier and better in some way, shape, or form, and if you are going to judge
someone for doing the same things you are, then you don’t need to be in that person’s
life anyway because you’re a hypocrite. So I’ve never really had any problems…except
for today. I went for 30 minutes when I usually always go for an hour, and I
don’t know. I just got so mad almost, because I saw this group of teenagers
come in and they were so…so differently shaped, and bigger, and more muscular.
Guys like them, don’t try, they go to the gym for ten minutes and bulk up. It’s
bullshit. I mean I work so hard every day to be the person I am inside and I
just can’t. I had to leave because I
couldn’t focus on my workout. As weird as it sounds I just kept staring at them,
and then I would look in the mirror at myself, and it just wasn’t right. I
guess I just got really fed up, and it sucks that this is the body I’m stuck in
and yes I know I shouldn’t blame myself but it’s hard. It’s really hard. Anyway
before I work myself into a knot again, I’m not going to write anymore on this
topic today. Peace Out.
I have had many similar experiences Nathan. Starting in middle school all the way up to now... and it is hard to feel like going to the gym is worth the struggle. I wish I had some pithy pearl of wisdom that would make it all easier. Nope. It sucks. Some folks just have to work that much harder than everyone else. I will add one minor note: if you are working out so that you can look like something other than who you are, that image of your new self has to be rock solid. You have to sacrifice so much to get there. I would like to think that there is another way to reach that place though. If there is something physical that you enjoy, and cant get enough of,... that can be the path to that same place of feeling more comfortable in your body. For me, that was swimming. I loved being in the water. Ended up on the swim team, but couldn't swim across the pool without touching the bottom. All the other kids could. I was so sure I wouldn't make the team that I cried every single day before tryouts. Failed 3x in a row to make the team (I was 7). When I finally made my first lap across that pool without stopping, I had no idea what would happen next. I just knew i wanted to swim. When I left the team over 7 yrs later, my body was changed forever. I will never sport a six pack of abs, or have those gigantic muscular shoulders that the stereotypical male staggers around with... but my heart and lungs are so much stronger (even years after leaving the sport) that during the coma, they were the only things keeping me alive... not the machines or the doctors.
ReplyDeleteEven now, when my body hits the water, I know immediately, THAT is where i belong. For me, that has been more important than the body dysmorphism that came with my adult obesity. In the water, I FEEL good. No one gets to take that away.
I would love to hear your thoughts about where you have felt comfortable. Where have you belonged? Have you ever felt like you weren't in conflict with you body?
Hmmm, that's tough, I think that the place I have felt that I have most belonged is either playing hockey, fishing, or swimming. I'm sorry it took so long for me to respond, but it took me quite a while to figure out where I feel comfortable, confidant. And to an extent I have felt a non-conflict with my body when participating in these activities, but still there is a little voice in my head that says "you can't do it" or other such negative things
DeleteI know that feeling too. For me, it typically fades after about 20 min of whatever it is that I am doing... but in that first 20-30 min, I would do anything to just STOP doing whatever it is... running, walking, cycling... doesnt matter. But if I can get past that weird time... then it somehow gets easier. I have no clue why though.
ReplyDeleteAs for the idea of being comfortable in one's body... that is such a difficult thing, especially in light of how much of our perception of self is based on public opinion, images from the media, unspoken stuff that happens around us all the time. I have been wondering for a long time, what can I do to increase the GOOD feelings I have about myself? What can I do to help my self-esteem? How can I simply be happier?